I need to talk to him. I’ve been so close to picking up my phone and texting, but then I remember that voice in my head that tells me, after you’ve accomplished your goals. I need to use this urgency as a motivator. I’m disconnecting from him not because I can’t stand him but because I can’t stand myself. I get the urge to connect with him to excuse myself from getting anything accomplished. I’ve got to stop that. I need to use the time that I’m not talking to him to accomplish my goals. It’s hard to unlearn the urge to want to instantly connect with someone you care about. Someone who makes you smile. (so thankful I still have a photo to reflect back to). I’m trying to build a new habit of not to connect with him so that I can eventually connect with him to summarize all of my accomplishments. I can do this. It’s not going to be easy, but life isn’t easy and I sure as hell am not a quitter. I’m going to accomplish this. I can and I will. It’s urgent that I do.

My feelings

After getting a couple of hours of sleep in and looking at the emotion wheel, the following is what I’m feeling in no particular order.

  • upset
  • disappointed
  • funk
  • incomplete
  • insignificant
  • panicky
  • jumpy
  • unsure
  • trapped
  • unsettled
  • disgraced
  • depreciated
  • put away
  • abandoned
  • shunned
  • demeaned
  • protective

The little positivity I have within me is serene, cool, and collected. I found a new group to fit into and lifted two others during the day. I’d say that’s a win. I’m hoping the colorful water beads will make a difference in my mood, as well as getting rid of the pile of papers I have on my desk. Baby steps. Next up, trying to hone in on job titles, then Linkedin headline and summary, then resume, then job search, then interviews, then the big move. oh, and somewhere in between, reading books, working on side project, watching shows, and feeling accomplished and ready to take on year 35.

Just feel

Often times when we’re in the middle of a situation, our mouths run off before we can process our feelings. Those words can sting, it can hurt, and it can be regretful. There’s certain moments when we’d rather let others’ words speak for ourselves because it’s easier. That moment was today. I’m still processing my feelings and I’m giving myself permission to feel, but the song I keep listening to is I hate you by Issa x SoulJa x Rola. I appreciate songs that are mixed with different languages because as a trilingual, some language expresses an action or feeling much better than the other. I couldn’t find a true translation of the lyrics from Japanese to English so here’s my attempt.

泣きたくて、泣けなくて  I want to cry, but I can’t
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

Girlマジで今さら意味わからねぇよ、何考えてんだよ Girl I don’t get why now, what were you thinking?
俺とお前つき合いだして、もう遊びのレベルこえてんだろ? Aren’t we long past playing games?
俺の家の鍵もわたしていた、俺の親にも顔を会わせていた I had given you my keys to my place, I even introduced you to my parents
二人冗談まじり “いつかね”のガキん名前も決めたり We even joked about our future baby’s name
してたのに 夜家に帰れば君の and yet when I got home
声がして、一人じゃなくて I heard a voice, I wasn’t alone
声を上げて、知らない名前 A loud voice, I heard an unfamiliar name

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

hey wait i don’t think i understand i mean… 
i said wait i don’t think you understandマジ really
いつ なぜ どこで? ウソだありえねぇ When? Why? Where? It’s a lie, it can’t be true
顔すら見たくねぇget da fuck up out my face I don’t event want to see your face
after all that we’ve been through you dont threw it all away 
もう二度と戻れはしねぇ We can’t ever go back
思い出も その嘘泣きも the memories, even your fake tears
作り笑いも 全部ウソだろう your fake laugh, it’s all a lie isn’t it?
so fuck you very much although i wish it wasn’t so, 
無駄に過ごした時間ありがとよ thanks for the wasted time I spent with you
思い出 そんなのいらねえ memories, I don’t need any of that
今はただ 二度と 君を girl I just can’t ever

許せなくてbut好きすぎて forgive you but I like you so much
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
二度と君のことを  I never want to fall for you

都合がいい時しか (you only hold me close) at your own convenience
you never hold me close 
なのに どうして 私のことが好きだと言えるの so how can you say that you like me so?
I don’t understand it baby 
おたがいさまなのに it’s you and me both
why do you hurt me? 

今更何を言われても 全てが壊れた whatever you say right now, everything is broken
get da fuck away 

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily 

i love u 
i hate u 
i love u 
i hate u

— ###—

The context of this song is not the same as my situation, but there’s parts of this song that expresses the difficulty of letting go of this one person. It hurts, and it saddens me to no extent to do so, but I think it needed to happen.

Olive oil and balsamic vinegar pairs so well with toasted baguette, yet, olive oil and balsamic vinegar never fully integrates. I’ll leave it at that…for now.

Information Overload

Do you love apps like OneTab and the bookmarks feature? Do you suffer from fear of forgetting the ‘amazing’ site/tool/link/resource you once found and continuously save [categorized in folders, of course] into the abyss of the bookmark manager?

I use chrome extensions like Tab Count to monitor my excessive tab opening (I’ve had 96 tabs open once) and Bookmarks Clean Up to reflect on my behavior. According to the latter app, I currently have 697 bookmarks. 697. In my defense, my bookmarking started way back in the day when I was still in college, roughly 12 years ago. I’m not saying that’s not cray cray though, because it is.

It’s crazy because if you know me, I’d probably be able to find this ‘amazing’ bookmarked site again if I searched for it. I may even find something far better. So why save all of these bookmarks?!

I’ve come to a realization that my mind can only take in one site at a time. It’s simple to accumulate multiple open tabs in one setting, but I’m no robot, and I can’t scan through all those tabs at any given time. I’m making an effort to be productive and clean up my act.

Simplicity makes you see things you haven’t seen before. I suggest you try it some time. or at least pause and see how many bookmarks you currently have saved. You might learn a thing or two about yourself.

Sleepless After-Thoughts

Didn’t get much sleep which is no surprise. My mind tried to make sense of my reality while I was simply trying to dream. I failed miserably.

As I recall last night’s behavior of unfollowing certain Instagram accounts, I came to a realization that I may have lived in an illusion, and not something sustainable.

Maybe it was a high and I was close to overdosing from too much “multidimensional perfectionism.” It’s a term I just read about this morning explaining how we millennials seek therapy more often than other generations simply because we crash at the thought of falling short of our high expectations.

I can agree to that notion, where I think I was too focused on how to perfect this thought of us and everything that embodies that as a couple. But now that that’s gone, I’m in withdrawal mode.

I mentioned yesterday that he and I both need to fill our cups. I need to start with filling my void. A void that I tried to have him fill, but it wasn’t his to fill in the first place.

I’ve got a long journey ahead. Lots of reading, reflection, and then sharing.

All this time, I wanted to create a space where I can share what I learned and get his insights, wisdom, and reactions. Little did I know, I had the medium to do it all along.

It’s nice to step back and see the void. Let’s see what comes of it and see where I’ll be when I do fill that void.

You ready for the journey? Glad you are, but I need to get some sleep first.

Want vs. Hope

Ooof. Today was tough. Breakups suck. I better get writing before tears start overflowing. again.

Before today happened, I told myself I’d write out what’s been circling my mind these last four days. Someone asked me “what do you want from me?” and it really got me thinking. Not only what I wanted from him alone, but any guy, really. My mind also went from — what’s the line between being a friend, and a significant other (SO) — and why do we call it SO? Shouldn’t we be significant in all of our relationships?

If you know me well enough, I googled. I can’t recall what I used for keywords, but it did lead me to the P.S. I love You section on Medium: https://psiloveyou.xyz/. I kid you not, I read about 50 posts, mainly by https://psiloveyou.xyz/@bonniebarton and one other author, https://psiloveyou.xyz/@LeonaLoveQuest. I had an ah-ha moment when I read @LeonaLoveQuest’s post on her use of ‘hope’ instead of ‘want.’

She writes, “I find that “hope” is exceedingly more useful than “want” because no matter how much I may want from a relationship, I will only ever receive as much as the other person is ready or willing to give…With hope and a little imagination I gain the freedom to shape my expectations into an infinite number of possibilities.” I wanted to share the ones that I deem to be my hope as well, and then add on to the list.

  • I hope that we become best friends.
  • I hope when he meets my friends I begin to suspect they might like him a little more than me.
  • I hope his friends feel the same way about me.
  • I hope the words “I love you” make him feel less like he’s giving up his freedom and more like he’s liberating his soul.
  • I hope that when we plan a vacation, we set aside one day to make no plans at all.
  • I hope amid the hustle-bustle and family gatherings around the holidays we find some time to be alone.
  • I hope we spend less time counting our money and more time counting our blessings.
  • I hope he understands that for most of the winter, I will be bundled up.
  • I hope we’re amazed by how far we made it without having known each other.
  • I hope our mad, passionate love settles into an unbreakable bond of trust, honesty and respect.
  • I hope we are able to lean on each other when we struggle to stand on our own.
  • I hope when faced with difficult choices we remember to keep our promises and lose our fears.
  • I hope when we argue neither of us says anything so hurtful we can never take it back.
  • I hope that if we ever start to grow apart, we fight hard to come back together instead of turning away to someone else.
  • I hope as we grow old, he continues to be my greatest hero and my strongest ally.
  • I hope we decide for better or for worse, life is still better together than it could ever be apart.” [For actual list, visit: https://psiloveyou.xyz/what-do-you-want-in-a-relationship-b0f24c9e1c7e]
  • I hope I’m leaving him better off than when I met/started to talk to him.
  • I hope we can always be authentic and genuinely honest — to say what we mean, and mean what we say — despite the fact that it might hurt the other.
  • I hope he shows that he cares — ask me how I’m doing, ask what I had for lunch, ask what I’m wearing — the small inquiries go a long way.
  • I hope he continues to flirt with me, and make me feel like I’m still worth pursuing.
  • I hope he knows that I wish him happiness even if that means I’m not a part of it.
  • I hope he remembers me as the one with creative cooking ideas at 2AM –Chopped style — and not as the one that hurt his feelings.

Last but not least, I hope I can meet him when we’re both at a better place in our lives, ‘cuz let’s face it, it’s hard to pour from an empty cup. I’m a huge believer of ‘timing of life’ and things happening for a reason. I have a hunch that this is simply a pause, but if not, I’m glad I was able to finish what I said I would, and with a smile on my face.

*I’m grateful for his honesty, strength, vulnerability, flirts, and smiles. Here’s to hoping he gets his much deserved rest, decision-making, and self-confidence. Take it one at a time, and you’ll go far.*