Sleepless After-Thoughts

Didn’t get much sleep which is no surprise. My mind tried to make sense of my reality while I was simply trying to dream. I failed miserably.

As I recall last night’s behavior of unfollowing certain Instagram accounts, I came to a realization that I may have lived in an illusion, and not something sustainable.

Maybe it was a high and I was close to overdosing from too much “multidimensional perfectionism.” It’s a term I just read about this morning explaining how we millennials seek therapy more often than other generations simply because we crash at the thought of falling short of our high expectations.

I can agree to that notion, where I think I was too focused on how to perfect this thought of us and everything that embodies that as a couple. But now that that’s gone, I’m in withdrawal mode.

I mentioned yesterday that he and I both need to fill our cups. I need to start with filling my void. A void that I tried to have him fill, but it wasn’t his to fill in the first place.

I’ve got a long journey ahead. Lots of reading, reflection, and then sharing.

All this time, I wanted to create a space where I can share what I learned and get his insights, wisdom, and reactions. Little did I know, I had the medium to do it all along.

It’s nice to step back and see the void. Let’s see what comes of it and see where I’ll be when I do fill that void.

You ready for the journey? Glad you are, but I need to get some sleep first.

Want vs. Hope

Ooof. Today was tough. Breakups suck. I better get writing before tears start overflowing. again.

Before today happened, I told myself I’d write out what’s been circling my mind these last four days. Someone asked me “what do you want from me?” and it really got me thinking. Not only what I wanted from him alone, but any guy, really. My mind also went from — what’s the line between being a friend, and a significant other (SO) — and why do we call it SO? Shouldn’t we be significant in all of our relationships?

If you know me well enough, I googled. I can’t recall what I used for keywords, but it did lead me to the P.S. I love You section on Medium: https://psiloveyou.xyz/. I kid you not, I read about 50 posts, mainly by https://psiloveyou.xyz/@bonniebarton and one other author, https://psiloveyou.xyz/@LeonaLoveQuest. I had an ah-ha moment when I read @LeonaLoveQuest’s post on her use of ‘hope’ instead of ‘want.’

She writes, “I find that “hope” is exceedingly more useful than “want” because no matter how much I may want from a relationship, I will only ever receive as much as the other person is ready or willing to give…With hope and a little imagination I gain the freedom to shape my expectations into an infinite number of possibilities.” I wanted to share the ones that I deem to be my hope as well, and then add on to the list.

  • I hope that we become best friends.
  • I hope when he meets my friends I begin to suspect they might like him a little more than me.
  • I hope his friends feel the same way about me.
  • I hope the words “I love you” make him feel less like he’s giving up his freedom and more like he’s liberating his soul.
  • I hope that when we plan a vacation, we set aside one day to make no plans at all.
  • I hope amid the hustle-bustle and family gatherings around the holidays we find some time to be alone.
  • I hope we spend less time counting our money and more time counting our blessings.
  • I hope he understands that for most of the winter, I will be bundled up.
  • I hope we’re amazed by how far we made it without having known each other.
  • I hope our mad, passionate love settles into an unbreakable bond of trust, honesty and respect.
  • I hope we are able to lean on each other when we struggle to stand on our own.
  • I hope when faced with difficult choices we remember to keep our promises and lose our fears.
  • I hope when we argue neither of us says anything so hurtful we can never take it back.
  • I hope that if we ever start to grow apart, we fight hard to come back together instead of turning away to someone else.
  • I hope as we grow old, he continues to be my greatest hero and my strongest ally.
  • I hope we decide for better or for worse, life is still better together than it could ever be apart.” [For actual list, visit: https://psiloveyou.xyz/what-do-you-want-in-a-relationship-b0f24c9e1c7e]
  • I hope I’m leaving him better off than when I met/started to talk to him.
  • I hope we can always be authentic and genuinely honest — to say what we mean, and mean what we say — despite the fact that it might hurt the other.
  • I hope he shows that he cares — ask me how I’m doing, ask what I had for lunch, ask what I’m wearing — the small inquiries go a long way.
  • I hope he continues to flirt with me, and make me feel like I’m still worth pursuing.
  • I hope he knows that I wish him happiness even if that means I’m not a part of it.
  • I hope he remembers me as the one with creative cooking ideas at 2AM –Chopped style — and not as the one that hurt his feelings.

Last but not least, I hope I can meet him when we’re both at a better place in our lives, ‘cuz let’s face it, it’s hard to pour from an empty cup. I’m a huge believer of ‘timing of life’ and things happening for a reason. I have a hunch that this is simply a pause, but if not, I’m glad I was able to finish what I said I would, and with a smile on my face.

*I’m grateful for his honesty, strength, vulnerability, flirts, and smiles. Here’s to hoping he gets his much deserved rest, decision-making, and self-confidence. Take it one at a time, and you’ll go far.*

2019 Vision Board

Got to attend a vision board workshop today hosted by @sashbag and Vanessa which inspired me to finally create one. Learned another word: “isiko” pronounced ee seeko, is the zulu word for culture/art/tradition and added it to my board. It shouldn’t come as a surprise as to why if you know me. Thanks ladies for showing me another brand to follow.

I’m curious what do you feel when you see this board?
Please share with me in the comments!

Alignment

Exactly a week ago, I messaged one of my great friends and shared what I’m about to share here. It’s been a week and the same feeling still lingers, so here is my “I called it” moment.

There’s always been a part of me that didn’t want to express my happiness just in case it didn’t work out. But somehow, this time around is very different, in that, I feel like I am ready to call it out. I want to prove to myself that I called it before it happened.

What has changed? Am I simply willing to risk something out in the open? or is it more that I trust myself to know that it will turn out the way I know and hope it will and I’m okay with that?

My friend said “that you are changing patterns and accepting the possibility of happiness. A bit of both, but also not being afraid to allow yourself to be happy in the possibilities and a willingness to be more open in general to world.”

It’s the first time I’ve felt alignment in a long time. I longed for this. Someone ready to give. Someone who has given me a lot already. This feeling of flow and groundedness. The IS. Like there’s things that I’m naturally letting go to fit someone in, and it’s a natural process without much thinking. It’s a connection built on feeling, an energy. It’s hard to express with words, but it is very sensory driven. I can feel the energy permeate through the phone call. The grin, the smile, the rolling eyes, the surprising warmth, the smirk, the inner child, the dirty mind, the honest, the vulnerable, and the transparent.

I know it’s genuine because I find my friends in this person. My posse, my tribe, my culture. “The look,” the grin, the non verbal facial expressions. Somehow there’s already a cultural understanding — and that’s huge for me. Someone who gets me (scary thought huh?) and someone who isn’t afraid to call it out. To act accordingly. It’s admirable, and so encouraging.

My friend called my energy giddy, but that this is good and real. It really is, and I’m looking to explore where it takes me next.