Just feel

Often times when we’re in the middle of a situation, our mouths run off before we can process our feelings. Those words can sting, it can hurt, and it can be regretful. There’s certain moments when we’d rather let others’ words speak for ourselves because it’s easier. That moment was today. I’m still processing my feelings and I’m giving myself permission to feel, but the song I keep listening to is I hate you by Issa x SoulJa x Rola. I appreciate songs that are mixed with different languages because as a trilingual, some language expresses an action or feeling much better than the other. I couldn’t find a true translation of the lyrics from Japanese to English so here’s my attempt.

泣きたくて、泣けなくて  I want to cry, but I can’t
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

Girlマジで今さら意味わからねぇよ、何考えてんだよ Girl I don’t get why now, what were you thinking?
俺とお前つき合いだして、もう遊びのレベルこえてんだろ? Aren’t we long past playing games?
俺の家の鍵もわたしていた、俺の親にも顔を会わせていた I had given you my keys to my place, I even introduced you to my parents
二人冗談まじり “いつかね”のガキん名前も決めたり We even joked about our future baby’s name
してたのに 夜家に帰れば君の and yet when I got home
声がして、一人じゃなくて I heard a voice, I wasn’t alone
声を上げて、知らない名前 A loud voice, I heard an unfamiliar name

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

hey wait i don’t think i understand i mean… 
i said wait i don’t think you understandマジ really
いつ なぜ どこで? ウソだありえねぇ When? Why? Where? It’s a lie, it can’t be true
顔すら見たくねぇget da fuck up out my face I don’t event want to see your face
after all that we’ve been through you dont threw it all away 
もう二度と戻れはしねぇ We can’t ever go back
思い出も その嘘泣きも the memories, even your fake tears
作り笑いも 全部ウソだろう your fake laugh, it’s all a lie isn’t it?
so fuck you very much although i wish it wasn’t so, 
無駄に過ごした時間ありがとよ thanks for the wasted time I spent with you
思い出 そんなのいらねえ memories, I don’t need any of that
今はただ 二度と 君を girl I just can’t ever

許せなくてbut好きすぎて forgive you but I like you so much
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
二度と君のことを  I never want to fall for you

都合がいい時しか (you only hold me close) at your own convenience
you never hold me close 
なのに どうして 私のことが好きだと言えるの so how can you say that you like me so?
I don’t understand it baby 
おたがいさまなのに it’s you and me both
why do you hurt me? 

今更何を言われても 全てが壊れた whatever you say right now, everything is broken
get da fuck away 

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily 

i love u 
i hate u 
i love u 
i hate u

— ###—

The context of this song is not the same as my situation, but there’s parts of this song that expresses the difficulty of letting go of this one person. It hurts, and it saddens me to no extent to do so, but I think it needed to happen.

Olive oil and balsamic vinegar pairs so well with toasted baguette, yet, olive oil and balsamic vinegar never fully integrates. I’ll leave it at that…for now.

2018

This year was rough.

Looking back at my #bestnine and scrolling through my calendar, the year is quite a blur. The year started with anxiety, stress, and a tense body. I can only recall certain moments — certain time frames that occurred before me.

In no specific order, I remember the two deaths too many — the moving dance piece that made me overflow with emotion at the Whidbey Institute — finding a tribe full of interculturalists (people that get me) — hours and hours of girl talk with my wild sisters — an explosion of verbal expression — plethora of tears — self-doubt — lost hope — vulnerability — Project 137 — This is Day One (Drew’s book) — P2P Coaching program — World Cup — overthinking — The Voice Season 15 — self-care — WSU Cougar Football — web of connections — gratitude — numbness — growth — self-discovery — Top Chef/New Amsterdam/9-1-1/This is Us — and truth.

I learned firsthand what it means to build a habit. The Lessons Learned & Gratitude journal (LLG) helped me appreciate what I have and what lessons I learned on a daily basis. Consistency is key to everything we do. Setting a goal and sticking to the goal. It’s as simple as that.

In my head, this year felt like everything and nothing all at the same time. Up until the second week of December, I wanted to simply end 2018. I didn’t have any goals or outlook for 2019, but I knew I needed 2018 to be done with.

Reflecting back, December 12th was the day that changed this year for me. I took on my first shift as Crisis Counselor, helping a texter get through a hard time, and being there for that one person. Gave me hope that I too can be of service to someone in times of hardship. A simple ‘Thank you’ at the end made me feel warm and fuzzy. If you or anyone else needs someone to talk to, Crisis Text Line is available 24/7 at 741741. Yes, it’s text, and no, we’re not robots.

That same day, I got a rather peculiar text from someone I knew. It had been since March 2017, but for some reason, it was time for us to re-connect, and I’m glad we did. 2018 is still hazy, but 2019 looks promising.

My intent word for 2019 is REVEAL. To reveal is “to make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others.” but in order to reveal something, I need to learn or discover it first.  I’d like to think I’m ready to reveal myself in all layers of my life through self-reflection and interaction with others. 2018 taught me a lot about who I am and how to care for myself. I look forward to dig deeper and experience things I’ve never felt or seen before.

In midst of this hazy year, I got moments of clarity participating in Project 137 hosted by Patti Digh. Starting on August 16th ’til today, we were given daily prompts to reflect, create, and journal about. One thing I learned through this project is it’s worth buying a notebook. It doesn’t get more real than putting pen to writing on a white sheet of paper. I’d like to free write the rest of the post using the prompts from the various days.

Did you know you can write yourself a letter to the future you using https://www.futureme.org/? It’s a rather interesting concept. Many characters in TV shows do it. I just wrote my letter. We’ll see what it reveals when I open it in the next couple of months. Stay tuned.

Day 3: Make a list of 5 things you would do if you truly only had 3 days left to live. Ironically enough, I’m at peace with where I am right now. I might make last minute video chats, or call up friends and family to tell them how much they mean to me, but I’ve learned that I shouldn’t wait to say this to them. I’ve made a real effort this year to express what I want to say to the people I care about these last few months. It’s never too early to share that with someone and I didn’t do it to get anything in return. It puts me at peace that they heard it from me and that they now know.

Day 2: If you could sum up in three words what you learned about yourself this year, what would those three words be?I am enough.

Day 1: How might you continue this focus on mindfulness in the New Year?  I’d like to continue the LLG posts and add Edible Moments, and any other topics I’ve been meaning to writing about.

I’m truly grateful for: my support network who don’t judge me when I spill my emotions out; the timing of life; Duolingo; my sisters near and far (you know who you are); old school conversations via phone call; rekindled connections; and heartfelt encouragements.

This year was tough, but I made it through with your help, and I look forward to what’s to come tomorrow.

Day 104

Who am I? I am Lisa. I’m complicated. I’m simple in the complex. I’m the calm in the chaos. I’m not a dichotomy, but a blend.  I am present. I am observant. I am here. I see, feel, and listen. I know and I want to learn more. I want to explore. I want to discover. I want to be in the midst of the action.  I want to be in the next chapter of my life.  I am ready.