Often times when we’re in the middle of a situation, our mouths run off before we can process our feelings. Those words can sting, it can hurt, and it can be regretful. There’s certain moments when we’d rather let others’ words speak for ourselves because it’s easier. That moment was today. I’m still processing my feelings and I’m giving myself permission to feel, but the song I keep listening to is I hate you by Issa x SoulJa x Rola. I appreciate songs that are mixed with different languages because as a trilingual, some language expresses an action or feeling much better than the other. I couldn’t find a true translation of the lyrics from Japanese to English so here’s my attempt.

泣きたくて、泣けなくて  I want to cry, but I can’t
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

Girlマジで今さら意味わからねぇよ、何考えてんだよ Girl I don’t get why now, what were you thinking?
俺とお前つき合いだして、もう遊びのレベルこえてんだろ? Aren’t we long past playing games?
俺の家の鍵もわたしていた、俺の親にも顔を会わせていた I had given you my keys to my place, I even introduced you to my parents
二人冗談まじり “いつかね”のガキん名前も決めたり We even joked about our future baby’s name
してたのに 夜家に帰れば君の and yet when I got home
声がして、一人じゃなくて I heard a voice, I wasn’t alone
声を上げて、知らない名前 A loud voice, I heard an unfamiliar name

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily

hey wait i don’t think i understand i mean… 
i said wait i don’t think you understandマジ really
いつ なぜ どこで? ウソだありえねぇ When? Why? Where? It’s a lie, it can’t be true
顔すら見たくねぇget da fuck up out my face I don’t event want to see your face
after all that we’ve been through you dont threw it all away 
もう二度と戻れはしねぇ We can’t ever go back
思い出も その嘘泣きも the memories, even your fake tears
作り笑いも 全部ウソだろう your fake laugh, it’s all a lie isn’t it?
so fuck you very much although i wish it wasn’t so, 
無駄に過ごした時間ありがとよ thanks for the wasted time I spent with you
思い出 そんなのいらねえ memories, I don’t need any of that
今はただ 二度と 君を girl I just can’t ever

許せなくてbut好きすぎて forgive you but I like you so much
叫びたい声 必死にこらえ I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
二度と君のことを  I never want to fall for you

都合がいい時しか (you only hold me close) at your own convenience
you never hold me close 
なのに どうして 私のことが好きだと言えるの so how can you say that you like me so?
I don’t understand it baby 
おたがいさまなのに it’s you and me both
why do you hurt me? 

今更何を言われても 全てが壊れた whatever you say right now, everything is broken
get da fuck away 

叫びたい声 必死にこらえ  I want to scream but I’m keeping it in
苦しくて マジいたくて I’m suffering it hurts for real
この胸から えぐりとれるならば If I can carve this pain out of my chest
いっそ てめぇへの 
思いを消しさりたいけど I’d love to delete all my feelings I have for you, but
どうして写真のように why is it that I can’t let go of you
焼き捨てられないんだろう。。。 like the photo I burnt so easily 

i love u 
i hate u 
i love u 
i hate u

— ###—

The context of this song is not the same as my situation, but there’s parts of this song that expresses the difficulty of letting go of this one person. It hurts, and it saddens me to no extent to do so, but I think it needed to happen.

Olive oil and balsamic vinegar pairs so well with toasted baguette, yet, olive oil and balsamic vinegar never fully integrates. I’ll leave it at that…for now.