Just Right

It’s been about 20 months since I last wrote. You know the feeling you have when you think of something great when you take a shower, but you forget to write it down, and it haunts you for the rest of the day, as if something is there, but it isn’t? My mind is exactly like that.

I promised myself I would start writing frequently after I finished classes.  Did that ever happen? Nope. It’s funny… I got my degree, well, my 2nd masters degree in February of this year, and it’s been nine months and yet, nothing.  I feel like I’m busier now than those times when I had deadlines and assigned readings.  How so? I think it has to do with the fact that I haven’t been writing, and my voice, the narrator of my stories needed to let the words come out.

There’s so many apps today that lets you speech to text, but I always want a think to text.  I have thoughts piled in my mind since…I don’t know when.  But it lingers, and it begs to be let out so to speak. I think to myself how easy it would be for me to ‘say’ what I want verbally, but it never makes it out from my mouth.  It always comes out through my fingers, either texting (in this case, through my thumbs), or typing, using all my fingers.  

There’s something about speaking my mind through text for me.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve wrote down my thoughts.  I kept a diary, I kept a journal…it transformed to writing e-journals, I had numerous accounts: starting with xanga.com, livejournal.com, facebook notes, wordpress, and now tumblr.

As an introvert, it’s where I process my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, and most importantly, myself.  There are times when I can be genuinely honest only through Japanese too.  Looking back at past posts, I wrote in all three languages, depending on how I felt at the time.  I often listen to Japanese music now when I want to be alone. When I want to recenter myself.  The Japanese language has a way to get down to the core of my vulnerable self.  

A lot has been on my mind.  And whether all of these thoughts are connected to each other is a mystery. I’m sure if I think it hard enough, I can make it connect–but that’s not what I’m trying to do right now.  

I’m currently at a threshold where my dream is my reality.  Let me elaborate. Age is irrelevant, but all my life, I had a dream, a goal, to have started a career in higher education with all the degrees I’ve wanted by age 30.  I’ve accomplished that. I’m living my dream.  Not everyone gets to live out their dreams, let alone, by a time that I set myself for when I was a teenager.  Another ‘ideal’ I wished for that is quite real is someone I met four months ago.  Yes, it’s a guy.  

He doesn’t have a social media account in this age, only instagram, so respecting his privacy, I won’t reveal his real name.  

All my life, I’ve been a giver.  I’ve been complimented on knowing what people need or want to hear and being there for them to give it to them, or say it to them.  I just know, and I do it because I want to and not because I want recognition or fame.  But I’ve always longed to meet someone who is like me.  Someone who would just know– know what to say, and do it, for me.  I’ve never been the one to ask for help–I’d rather deal with it on my own.  But the more I interact with him, the more I learn about myself – layers of me that I never knew I had – and I am grateful for that.

Due to circumstances and the nature of our jobs, we don’t get to meet often.  Once a week, if that.  Sure, some could call what we have friends with benefits, fuck buddy, a booty call, or anything in between.  I’ve been there– where I tried to ‘label’ what we were.  I honestly don’t know what we are, and I’ve come to a place where I’m okay not knowing because whatever we have is very real–real enough that I needed to share and let him know.

20 months ago, I posted Drew Dudley’s TEDx Talk for his talk on lollipop moments and in that 7 minutes, he says that we should be acknowledging those who have had an impact in our lives.  And I completely agree.  

Within the 20 months, I feel like I’ve grown tremendously.  And within these 4 months, I haven’t been happier.  Sure, I don’t have any more deadlines to worry about, or cramming, losing sleep over assigned readings, but I have a genuine relationship (a term I’ve been trying to define these last 4 months) where I feel it stems out of authenticity and realness.  

It’s really hard to explain, and perhaps, why I couldn’t write it for all this time– but I feel like I finally found someone that I can honestly say anything to, and won’t have to second guess myself because it is what it is.  Like I said before, I’m not sure what we are.  All I know is that he’s there when I need him (well, most times, or, more often than anyone else) and he brings out parts of me that I didn’t know were there.  

I’ve joked about finding him a nickname, as he calls me ‘little panda’ (comes from my nickname Po from the office) and we’ve come up with Hobbs, Baymax, care bear, and SMS (inside joke).  Looking at this list though, one thing in common between all of these characters is that it’s a sidekick.  He really is what Hobbs is to Calvin.  What Baymax is to Hiro.  Someone that I can talk to and not be judged (he may just be hiding it…), someone who I can go to, someone who can fill in the gap, someone who I just need a hug from and that’s all I need.  

Yes, I’ve told him I wanted to take us to a next level (through experience, it’s been dating, then relationship) but now, I don’t know if that’s where I want to take it.  What I have now with him surpasses anything I’ve had with other guys in the past.  I don’t have the answers and yet, I’m okay with that.  Regardless of whether he thinks of me the same way or not doesn’t diminish what I have with him, and this is why I needed to let it out.  Regardless of the outcome, this is my side to the story, and he deserves to know how great of a guy he is at my current stage of my life.

Speaking of Hobbs, I too had a Hobbs figure in my life growing up–a stuffed dog that I still have at my parents’ house.  That dog knows everything about me.  Feeling wise, the guy I talk to and interact with is as similar to the dog I confided in.  Don’t know how to express it, but he’s that close to me– emotionally.

Feelings and meanings go a long way for me.  

When I’m in my state of mind (when all sorts of thoughts are lingering, and I need to let it out), I tend to re-listen certain songs or scenes from a movie, or shows, where it takes me back to a certain feeling.  It calms and soothes me to a point where my emotions are sync with my thoughts.

Sync on all devices. I feel like in order to feel completely in balance, I need to be synced through all my senses: taste, emotion/feeling, sight, touch, hearing, and gut sense.  It’s hard for me to act on something if it doesn’t feel right.   I do a good job using cooking as a therapy method, or going out to Albuquerque to ‘clear my mind.’  I know I’ve been doing good to tackle it with different methods; but I know for sure that I need to let my thoughts loose every now and then.  

With that said, I’d like to write about things that made me who I am today.  Different anime I watched growing up, the characters I looked up to, the books I read, and the meals I ate.  I’ve talked sporadically about all of these things with my students this past month, and it made me ponder why I was intrigued by the characters or story lines.  (A lot of it has to do with my TCKness or my personality).  

I’d also like to start writing on my reflections on movies I watch, quotes I see, music I hear, and food I taste.  This space is not meant to limit the topics I write about.  It’s a space where I let my voice be heard. It’s where I’m the vehicle that frees my thoughts, out of my head, so that it can drive and go on shenanigans wherever it’s headed.

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