Ooof. Today was tough. Breakups suck. I better get writing before tears start overflowing. again.

Before today happened, I told myself I’d write out what’s been circling my mind these last four days. Someone asked me “what do you want from me?” and it really got me thinking. Not only what I wanted from him alone, but any guy, really. My mind also went from — what’s the line between being a friend, and a significant other (SO) — and why do we call it SO? Shouldn’t we be significant in all of our relationships?

If you know me well enough, I googled. I can’t recall what I used for keywords, but it did lead me to the P.S. I love You section on Medium: https://psiloveyou.xyz/. I kid you not, I read about 50 posts, mainly by https://psiloveyou.xyz/@bonniebarton and one other author, https://psiloveyou.xyz/@LeonaLoveQuest. I had an ah-ha moment when I read @LeonaLoveQuest’s post on her use of ‘hope’ instead of ‘want.’

She writes, “I find that “hope” is exceedingly more useful than “want” because no matter how much I may want from a relationship, I will only ever receive as much as the other person is ready or willing to give…With hope and a little imagination I gain the freedom to shape my expectations into an infinite number of possibilities.” I wanted to share the ones that I deem to be my hope as well, and then add on to the list.

• “I hope that we become best friends.
• I hope when he meets my friends I begin to suspect they might like him a little more than me.
• I hope his friends feel the same way about me.
• I hope the words “I love you” make him feel less like he’s giving up his freedom and more like he’s liberating his soul.
• I hope that when we plan a vacation, we set aside one day to make no plans at all.
• I hope amid the hustle-bustle and family gatherings around the holidays we find some time to be alone.
• I hope we spend less time counting our money and more time counting our blessings.
• I hope he understands that for most of the winter, I will be bundled up.

• I hope we’re amazed by how far we made it without having known each other.
• I hope our mad, passionate love settles into an unbreakable bond of trust, honesty and respect.
• I hope we are able to lean on each other when we struggle to stand on our own.
• I hope when faced with difficult choices we remember to keep our promises and lose our fears.
• I hope when we argue neither of us says anything so hurtful we can never take it back.
• I hope that if we ever start to grow apart, we fight hard to come back together instead of turning away to someone else.
• I hope as we grow old, he continues to be my greatest hero and my strongest ally.
• I hope we decide for better or for worse, life is still better together than it could ever be apart.” [For actual list, visit: https://psiloveyou.xyz/what-do-you-want-in-a-relationship-b0f24c9e1c7e]
• I hope I’m leaving him better off than when I met/started to talk to him.
• I hope we can always be authentic and genuinely honest — to say what we mean, and mean what we say — despite the fact that it might hurt the other.
• I hope he shows that he cares — ask me how I’m doing, ask what I had for lunch, ask what I’m wearing — the small inquiries go a long way.
• I hope he continues to flirt with me, and make me feel like I’m still worth pursuing.
• I hope he knows that I wish him happiness even if that means I’m not a part of it.
• I hope he remembers me as the one with creative cooking ideas at 2AM –Chopped style — and not as the one that hurt his feelings.

Last but not least, I hope I can meet him when we’re both at a better place in our lives, ‘cuz let’s face it, it’s hard to pour from an empty cup. I’m a huge believer of ‘timing of life’ and things happening for a reason. I have a hunch that this is simply a pause, but if not, I’m glad I was able to finish what I said I would, and with a smile on my face.

*I’m grateful for his honesty, strength, vulnerability, flirts, and smiles. Here’s to hoping he gets his much deserved rest, decision-making, and self-confidence. Take it one at a time, and you’ll go far.*