At the Moment

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I’ve been on the mend since the beginning of this month, the 1st to be exact. Nothing like not having the ability to taste or hear quite clearly. One thing I did accomplish in the midst of this chaos is to focus on my thoughts and feelings. I’d like to think I mean everything I say at all times — but I fail at saying what I mean most of the time.

How are you? I’m fine…

Yea, I’m not fine. I haven’t been fine. I’m learning to ask myself what’s up? Be aware of where in my body am I feeling the feels. What am I angry about? What am I afraid of? What is irking me? How can I extinguish the small fire inside me, before I do something that’ll make the flame bigger?

Bed rest means lots of sleep and lots of reading/listening time. I finished “Braving the Wilderness” by Brené Brown, “The Art of Communicating” by Thich Nhat Hanh, “Whiskey Words & a Shovel I” by r.h. Sin, “Born to Love, Cursed to Feel” by Samantha King Holmes, “Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better” and “Start Where You Are” by Pema Chödrön, “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elain Aron, “Use Your Difference to Make a Difference” by Tayo Rockson, and “Unf*ck Yourself” and “Stop Doing that Sh*t” by Gary John Bishop.

All of these books has one common thread and that’s me. It starts with me. So I gave myself permission to feel all the fears, the stillness, the confusion, the frustration, the anger, the emotions. and within that moment of giving myself permission, I found a glimpse of clarity, a warm embrace, a good cry, and a smile in my heart.

Alicia Keys said “I only lose myself when I can’t speak for myself.” Maybe I got lost because I wasn’t speaking. I’m going to share bits and pieces of what I call life’s captions: insight and ah-ha moments.

  • It’s scary to be seen. There’s a difference between belonging and being seen. I need to see myself. Soul searching.
  • I need to study my life rather than be in it. I need to give myself permission to be me. Permission to be goofy. Power of permission. It’s an intention. Set the intention, and then follow through. Attempt to belong to myself and no one else.
  • Believing is so hard. We can believe on hope, but not beyond what we actually see?
  • Friendship: Being vulnerable is the secret handshake to become my friend. People I can talk to about the scariest and honest topics are who I consider to be my friends.
  • P2: is everything complicated? You okay? What is okay? Okay is relative. False Reality? I like you more than you like you. I’ve somehow been reluctant to use the L word around people. It’s a strong word. I’ve been questioning it a lot like when’s the right timing and what if you reject it; but I’ve come to my senses of why not now? Whatever your story is, it doesn’t change my story. Took me a while to see what’s going on, but I get it now. It’s love. To take the words right out of A Walk to Remember “love is like the wind, I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” No more assuming. We f*ck up, we learn, we grow. By the way, you are not a f*ck up.
  • Conflict Transformation: Dr. Michelle Buck uses the term conflict transformation rather than conflict resolution because conflict creates an opportunity to learning something new about the situation. It’s not about winning or losing. It allows for a greater connection whether or not there is agreement. Avoiding the conversation takes you nowhere because our doubts are still there. Show up to the conflict. Explicitly explain the intention of the conversation. Ask what is so important about the conversation.

Nothing can survive without food. Everything we consume acts either to heal us or to poison us. We tend to think of nourishment only as what we take in through our mouths, but what we consume with our eyes, our ears, our noses, our tongues, and our bodies is also food. The conversations going on around us, and those we participate in, are also food. Are we consuming and creating the kind of food that is healthy for us and helps us grow? When we say something that nourishes us and uplifts the people around us, we are feeding love and compassion. When we speak and act in a way that causes tension and anger, we are nourishing violence and suffering.

Thích Nhất Hạnh, The Art of Communicating

Let me end by saying this. I promise to feed love and compassion to anyone who may need it, and try not to forget to do so for myself. Everything starts with me, but doesn’t have to end with me.

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