what it all boils down to

wow, long time no entry. I’ve actually been telling kei and sarah that I’d write this entry for more than a month or even more, but I just never had the energy to sit down and actually write it out.  I have so much I want to let out before the year ends, hence, I only have until the 26th because I will be going to Cancun, hehe.  hmm…where to start. 

Let me start by first saying that what I write here is solely for my purpose only.  It’s my way of coping.  Their MY opinion, my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, mine all mine.  Some people like to repress everything, never to talk about it, going to find other distractions; others like to write, drink, be angry…I happen to be good with letting it all out, whether it be in writing, in person, or by phone.  If you have disagreements, opinions, comments that’s fine, but know that I’m not writing here to pick fights.  I’m here to let it all out.  

Well, I know for a fact that majority of my friends want to know how i’m coping after everything.  and like I said, I’m not trying to prove anything here, but I’m truly okay.  I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just saying I’m ok for the hell of it.  Hell, I’d say it if I’m not okay with it.  I’ve had about a month now to think this through, and as I think about it, the more I realize that this is just me.  I know i’m probably gonna go back and forth on this, but bear with me.  This whole year, I suppose from Sept. 2004-Dec. 2005 was probably the best year for me so far (don’t want to jinx the upcoming years).  And I’m not gonna lie, it did have to do with being with Steve, and I guess this is the reason why I need to let it all out.  Despite our breakup, despite the fact that I found out he was going for a girl that I knew a week before finals, and despite the fact that he is now in a relationship with her, I can’t hate the guy because he’s done so much for me.  Besides, in my pov, I don’t have a right to go off saying when is the right time for him to start dating again.  I know some people that goes off thinking that their relationship wasn’t worth anything due to the extremeness of jumping into the new relationship.  Yes, I was surprised.  More like shocked, by the time it took for him to bluntly say, “get over me.”  It sounds cocky, but it is quite shocking.  But then I thought about it, and it really isn’t about the time.  I’d bet you I would’ve had the same reaction if he had started to date her next semester.  I think its just a matter of why was he able to let himself into the market, and I couldn’t? And that’s mainly because yes, I still truly care for him.  But don’t get me wrong.  I’m not the kind of person who would jeopardize his new relationship out of misery, jealousy, or just blatant hate.  I know some people who have, but that’s really just not me.  Many of my guy friends have told me that I’m too nice to him, or that I’m just simply too nice of a person, and well, maybe I am, but that’s me.  That’s Lisa.  

I’m happy for him that he was able to find himself a new girl and move with his instincts.  I gotta say tho, if she hurts him in any way shape or form…man… I’m gonna have to kill a bitch.  He’s not MY boy per se, but he’ll always be my boy hehe.  I know for a fact that he’ll be there if I ever needed him, and I will always be there for him when he needs it.  

so as you might’ve already noticed, I really have respect for him.  It’s funny, because my parents both know the jest of what’s going on between me and him, and my mom only focuses on how he’s a jerk for going off with another girl lol… and my dad, focuses more on the fact that he made me happy.  so in other words, my mom focuses more on the present issue of me not being with him, and my dad focuses more on what I had with him…which kinda struck me as ironic, because usually the dad bashes the boyfriend.  But then as my parents both commented on that, I realized that I have the same feelings as my dad towards steve.  Yea, I’m not the happiest camper when I know he’s no longer mine to keep, but I’m not about to go kill him or be mean to him.  In fact, when my mom “tries” to bash steve, I feel bad for the guy, and I tell her to stop, cuz really, he’s not a bad guy.  Yes, I have a couple of things to list of what I don’t like about him, but no one’s perfect, we’re all different.  

This whole year was in fact the longest relationship that I was in so that could be a major reason, but also, it was the first time that I really felt like I grew as an individual.  I went through therapy, I went to friends, I confronted him, I went through a rollercoaster full of emotions, but all in all, I grew tremendously as an individual and I’m really proud of that.  I remember writing an entry in the past to kei about how you can’t be happy until you aren’t happy by yourself..or something along those lines.  and it’s true.  The past years, I had a lot of parts that I really couldn’t care less or just didn’t pay attention to, but Steve pointed those out for me and I’ve become to accept who I am and who I’m not.  I’ve really learned a whole great deal of myself and I can’t be thankful enough.  It sounds corny, but its true.  

Now to say the least, I’m excited to see how things are gonna go from here, after realizing this “new” me.  I feel like I actually do want to put everything that I learned about myself into use with the next guy I find, but I can’t lie…there is a part of me that still wants to see if I can manage to apply everything back to Steve.  A whole new relationship with Steve.  I’m most certain that it won’t happen.  but, that will be something that I will be storing to myself.  There’s actually three songs that I keep listening to: 1-Just want you to know by Backstreet boys, 2-Mine Again by Mariah Carey 3-Don’t forget about us by Mariah Carey.  These three songs have real meaning to me, but again, that’s not something I’m going to wish loud.  It’s a feeling I get sometimes and its just, setsunai.  (don’t know the translation for that)  

I think Jenny rated her year to be a 7 this year, and I’d say mine was probably close to a 9.  Steve and I were together for a bit over a year and we made it thus far cuz there was something there that kept us together.  It didn’t last more than that cuz there was another thing that kept us apart.  That’s all there is to it.  Does that make my year with him nothing of importance? no. not at all.  Again, its not about time.  It’s about feelings, emotions, and will.  That’s all there is to it.  

Although my love for Steve may be different from what he feels for me at this moment, I’m not scared to say that I do truly love him and wish him the best of luck with his new girl.  I’m just really happy and thankful that I got to share something with him and hopefully continue to be able to tell “stories” of us and our friends.  

so again, I’m not the type of girl who tries to find the next available guy just to prove to steve that I could get over him as well.  I’ll work up something, sooner or later.  Until then, I’m going to enjoy life just as it comes along.  Whatever happens, happens.  I don’t have any resolutions for next year except that hopefully it can be good as or even better than this year.  

Merry X’mas and a Happy New Year!

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