looking back and looking forward

I haven’t written in this for such a long time and I suppose its a good thing considering I’ve been talking to people rather than bottling it to myself.  

This semester was so productive, I don’t even know where to begin.  I have to admit, breaking it off with Steve was not great, however, the timing couldn’t have been better, cuz seriously, I don’t know what I would’ve been doing if I had someone right now.  My GPA this semester was great and the experiences in my internships, the friendships I have, everything was just falling into place for me, and I learned and grew so much as an individual.  

I don’t regret anything about my relation with Steve, however, as I look back and realize what I used to do last year and what I’ve accomplished this year, and what I can hope for in the future, I feel like Steve was a good learning experience.  Just like my friends suggested, I pretty much did cut off connections with him.  I don’t talk to him, I don’t see him, I don’t even talk to him online anymore.  I didn’t go to his 21-run either.  One reason was because I don’t know how I would act around him.  Secondly, all in all, I don’t like his friends.  I just don’t.  As hard as I may think, I think both his friends and I tried to be “nice” to each other, but in all reality, I wouldn’t hang out with them.  and, I think that’s what mainly led Steve and I to break apart.  It was beginning to be me vs. them and I didn’t need that.  

Another thing is, his pictures frustrate me now.  which is why I’m re-doing my room either tomorrow or Friday.  The moments we had together were great, I can’t be more thankful, but I don’t need to see it anymore.  It’s in my memory.  The frustration also comes from the point that he does certain things for his gf that he told me he’d never do, or disliked.  which in turn tells me, either he’s changed himself for her, or he just liked to be controlling to me.   Another thing though, is that my friend, well not really my friend friend, but she tries to make the “old timer friends” back in freshmen year get together, and it’s just not going to work like that.  I have no interest in hanging out with steve and his new gf, let alone, everyone else from old times.  The old times were good, but it’s old now.  I have new friends, a new crew.  We all have different wants and needs now.  I don’t mind that she still keeps in touch with Steve.  I really don’t.  But to tell me about it, is just frustrating.  I don’t want to know.  Let alone, I don’t care.  

One thing though, that I’m really grateful for Steve, is my ability to realize that I’m not willing to compromise who I am for anyone, whether it be my dad, or to the person I care mostly about.  As I’m working on my Honors Thesis on negotiating identity, I understand more and more that what Steve couldn’t handle about me was not my fault.  I was negotiating through cultural differences and I’m sorry I didn’t warn him before getting into a relationship with me, but in all truth, life is full of bumpy roads.  Whether you want to fix that is your choice.  

I also was able to patch things up with my dad.  Who knows if it’s age, the fact that we are so apart, or that he’s becoming more open with me, but all in all, it happened when I was with Steve, so I’m grateful for that as well.  

As for now, sure, I’m up for a new relation, but I’m not hunting down any guys.  Time will come.  I’ve learned to open up, not be scared to show who I really am.  You only live once.  

I’m looking forward for my last year here at WSU.  Who knows….there could be a start of a new relationship, there might not.  All I know is that I’ll be a different person regardless of what happens, cuz surely enough, I’ve learned so much about myself in the past 3 years and saw who are the ones that are really my friends.  I love them so much and seriously, I am definitely looking forward for this upcoming year.  

*Update on Dec. 22, 2006. 
Thought I’d put every note he wrote me, since hey, it’s sweet. 

1. For Valentine’s day it was hard to commit
to just one gift, for you, I could get. 
I racked my brain for something would suffice
as an adequate present for my hint of asian spice
the only thing worthy of you that I could find
was the sun, stars, and moon that shine
after looking around and assessing the cost
I new that idea was all but lost
Next thought I would bring the stars to you 
In the forms of emeralds green and saphhires blue
what thwarted my efforts upon reaching my eyes
price tag with zeroes that scrapped the skies
next I thought a gift of roses red, 
but I thought of your view on flowers that would soon be dead.
So I settled on this, though rather cliche,
It shows that I love you, in a traditional way.
That is my poem, you’ve read it, and it’s done. 
Though you don’t like Valentine’s Day, I hope you had a good one. 

2. your almond eyes hold the power
to hold me captive for many an hour
their tender gaze does warm my soul
and fill, in my heart, a gaping hole. 
my arms do yearn to hold you tight
and close to me throughout the night.
your presence creates a feeling with bliss
and I find peace within your every kiss.
To be in your embrace is truly devine
the same goes for when you place your hand in mine.
you fill my eart with such emotion
that it causes, in my mind, quite a comotion
is it right to have feelings this strong? 
in my heart I know they aren’t wrong
there is but one word I can use to describe
these feelings that I harbus inside. 

3. I give to you flowers. roses, red in hue
a gift from my heart, which was stolen by you. 
please accept this token of my affection 
thought it does to rival your perfection.
A las, I am at work, so a courier had to distribute 
this, incomparison to your beauty, a simple tribute.
when from the job I return, I hope you will agree, 
to go and dine at a restaurant with me.
This poem must end, but my feelings will not
as I carry you with me in my every thought
Just thought I would give you a little gift.  Hope this puts a smile
on your face and in your heart.  Have a great day, and I look forward to seeing
you next. 

–Your Huggable Panda–

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