looking back and looking forward

I haven’t written in this for such a long time and I suppose its a good thing considering I’ve been talking to people rather than bottling it to myself.  

This semester was so productive, I don’t even know where to begin.  I have to admit, breaking it off with Steve was not great, however, the timing couldn’t have been better, cuz seriously, I don’t know what I would’ve been doing if I had someone right now.  My GPA this semester was great and the experiences in my internships, the friendships I have, everything was just falling into place for me, and I learned and grew so much as an individual.  

I don’t regret anything about my relation with Steve, however, as I look back and realize what I used to do last year and what I’ve accomplished this year, and what I can hope for in the future, I feel like Steve was a good learning experience.  Just like my friends suggested, I pretty much did cut off connections with him.  I don’t talk to him, I don’t see him, I don’t even talk to him online anymore.  I didn’t go to his 21-run either.  One reason was because I don’t know how I would act around him.  Secondly, all in all, I don’t like his friends.  I just don’t.  As hard as I may think, I think both his friends and I tried to be “nice” to each other, but in all reality, I wouldn’t hang out with them.  and, I think that’s what mainly led Steve and I to break apart.  It was beginning to be me vs. them and I didn’t need that.  

Another thing is, his pictures frustrate me now.  which is why I’m re-doing my room either tomorrow or Friday.  The moments we had together were great, I can’t be more thankful, but I don’t need to see it anymore.  It’s in my memory.  The frustration also comes from the point that he does certain things for his gf that he told me he’d never do, or disliked.  which in turn tells me, either he’s changed himself for her, or he just liked to be controlling to me.   Another thing though, is that my friend, well not really my friend friend, but she tries to make the “old timer friends” back in freshmen year get together, and it’s just not going to work like that.  I have no interest in hanging out with steve and his new gf, let alone, everyone else from old times.  The old times were good, but it’s old now.  I have new friends, a new crew.  We all have different wants and needs now.  I don’t mind that she still keeps in touch with Steve.  I really don’t.  But to tell me about it, is just frustrating.  I don’t want to know.  Let alone, I don’t care.  

One thing though, that I’m really grateful for Steve, is my ability to realize that I’m not willing to compromise who I am for anyone, whether it be my dad, or to the person I care mostly about.  As I’m working on my Honors Thesis on negotiating identity, I understand more and more that what Steve couldn’t handle about me was not my fault.  I was negotiating through cultural differences and I’m sorry I didn’t warn him before getting into a relationship with me, but in all truth, life is full of bumpy roads.  Whether you want to fix that is your choice.  

I also was able to patch things up with my dad.  Who knows if it’s age, the fact that we are so apart, or that he’s becoming more open with me, but all in all, it happened when I was with Steve, so I’m grateful for that as well.  

As for now, sure, I’m up for a new relation, but I’m not hunting down any guys.  Time will come.  I’ve learned to open up, not be scared to show who I really am.  You only live once.  

I’m looking forward for my last year here at WSU.  Who knows….there could be a start of a new relationship, there might not.  All I know is that I’ll be a different person regardless of what happens, cuz surely enough, I’ve learned so much about myself in the past 3 years and saw who are the ones that are really my friends.  I love them so much and seriously, I am definitely looking forward for this upcoming year.  

*Update on Dec. 22, 2006. 
Thought I’d put every note he wrote me, since hey, it’s sweet. 

1. For Valentine’s day it was hard to commit
to just one gift, for you, I could get. 
I racked my brain for something would suffice
as an adequate present for my hint of asian spice
the only thing worthy of you that I could find
was the sun, stars, and moon that shine
after looking around and assessing the cost
I new that idea was all but lost
Next thought I would bring the stars to you 
In the forms of emeralds green and saphhires blue
what thwarted my efforts upon reaching my eyes
price tag with zeroes that scrapped the skies
next I thought a gift of roses red, 
but I thought of your view on flowers that would soon be dead.
So I settled on this, though rather cliche,
It shows that I love you, in a traditional way.
That is my poem, you’ve read it, and it’s done. 
Though you don’t like Valentine’s Day, I hope you had a good one. 

2. your almond eyes hold the power
to hold me captive for many an hour
their tender gaze does warm my soul
and fill, in my heart, a gaping hole. 
my arms do yearn to hold you tight
and close to me throughout the night.
your presence creates a feeling with bliss
and I find peace within your every kiss.
To be in your embrace is truly devine
the same goes for when you place your hand in mine.
you fill my eart with such emotion
that it causes, in my mind, quite a comotion
is it right to have feelings this strong? 
in my heart I know they aren’t wrong
there is but one word I can use to describe
these feelings that I harbus inside. 
love. 

3. I give to you flowers. roses, red in hue
a gift from my heart, which was stolen by you. 
please accept this token of my affection 
thought it does to rival your perfection.
A las, I am at work, so a courier had to distribute 
this, incomparison to your beauty, a simple tribute.
when from the job I return, I hope you will agree, 
to go and dine at a restaurant with me.
This poem must end, but my feelings will not
as I carry you with me in my every thought
Just thought I would give you a little gift.  Hope this puts a smile
on your face and in your heart.  Have a great day, and I look forward to seeing
you next. 

–Your Huggable Panda–

UNI

初めはUの為
自分を変えようと努力した
でも、どうしても自分を変えることはできなかった
努力が足りなかったのか・それとも根性どっちだったんだろうか

今はIの為
彼の為ではなくて自分の為に変えようとしてる自分がいる
最初は彼の為、でも、今から見ると
努力・根性がなくても自分は変わってる

彼を取り戻そう・・・その発想が無いとは言い切れない
でも、言い切れることは自分を変えてこれは新しいりさなんだってこと
誰の為に変わろうとしたかは別として、その結果がりさのためになったってこと。

彼が聞く質問、”How do I know this isn’t any different from the rest of the times?” 
その答えに戸惑うのは当たり前。
彼との別れは一度も解決したことない。

このまま彼を待つのは切が無い
でも、かれは何が欲しいの? Uは何を求めてるの?
Iは今のところ友達としてがんばってる。 

Uからの一言”Iは変わったよ、友達もIが変わったって言ってる” 
は嬉しかった。 
でも、それが何ナノ? 
良いほうに変わったのはI自身もわかるよ。
だから?彼から褒められるのを待ってたわけではない。 
自分の為にやったんだからそれはぜんぜんいらない。

Uへの願いは何が欲しいのか聞いてみること。
で、もしUNIが一緒になれるのであれば、白紙から戻ること。 
過去に操られるのはもうやめて欲しい。 Uも言ったじゃん。
Iは変わったって。 

変わったならもう”前みたい”とはいえないでしょ?
それをもう一回やるなら、UNIは一緒になれない。
なりたくない。 

Uは何が欲しいの? Iが欲しいのは:UNI. 
もちろん、友達以上に。 でも、Uが友達以下としていたいなら
それでも平気。 UNIにリミットは無い。 

でもはっきりしてほしい。 今の所はっきりしてるのは
Iの気持ち。 Iの願い。 
今度はUの出番。
Uは何が欲しいの?Uの気持ちは? 

UNIは無理? 
教えて欲しい。

ーLー

Feelings

empiezo a pensar
pienso lo q vas a decir
pienso lo q vas a sentir
pienso como vas a ver
ya no quiero pensar

empiezo a mirar
miro el e-mail que no mandaste
miro la lista si estas online
miro si hay movimiento de hablar conmigo 
pero ya no quiero mirar 

lo que no veo, lo que si veo,
lo que no oigo, lo que si oigo,
lo que tu me dices, no te entiendo 
lo que yo te digo, no le entiendes

no tengo el menor idea de si 
somos paralelos o juntados 
no tengo ni idea 
y no me importa 

ya equis.  
no tengo ganas de pelear contigo.
no tengo ganas de llorar otra vez. 
ya parate de hacerme llorar.

enough is enough.
STOP

– A bunch going on…and some quotes that expresses it –

Shel Silverstein writes:

“I will not play tug o’ war. I’d rather play hug o’ war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.”

“”All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas 
Layin’ In The Sun, 
Talkin’ ‘Bout The Things 
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done… 
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas 
All Ran Away And Hid 
From One Little Did.””

“”There Is A Voice Inside Of You 
That Whispers All Day Long, 
“I Feel That This Is Right For Me, 
I Know That This Is Wrong.” 
No Teacher, Preacher, Parent, Friend 
Or Wise Man Can Decide 
What’s Right For You- Just Listen To 
The Voice That Speaks Inside.””

“Tell me I’m clever, Tell me I’m kind, Tell me I’m talented, Tell me I’m cute, Tell me I’m sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I’m perfect– But tell me the truth.”
The context is different, but I think these quotes from his poems says something that I’ve had in my mind just now.  The idea of tug-o-war, and being truthful. 

Fun Game

-Fun- by Taeko Saito

boys are fun. 
they are like video games. 
you have to have a certain tactic for each of them
and you can’t really play the same game for longer than a certain amount of time.
unless youre really into the game.
some games take longer to beat.
others are easier.
some games are fun to play little by little.
some games you just get into it so much
that you play for the first three days nonstop 
but later on you kinda get bored.
once you beat the game, 
some games you just dont ever wanna play again.
but other games, 
you wanna play over and over and over again.
i wanna find that game 🙂

so, I liked this poem, and I just wanted to say, I already found that game, and I enjoy every minute of it.

Helpless *4*

immediate call
shattered line
voiceless tone

confuzzled questions
blurred minds
drowning emotions 

volcanic tear drops
guilt trips mind bottling 

I feel helpless 
I can’t do anything 

all I can do is
hold your hand
kiss away sorrows 
embrace your emotions 

that’s all I can do 
and that’s all I will do 
cuz its not my place to say anything 

all I can do 
is be silent 
hold your hand
kiss away sorrows 
embrace your emotions 
and be there for you 

*R.I.P Zac, Steve’s tomodachi Feb. 3, 2004*

Drive Thru

get on the back 
lets drive thru
you and me 
no worries no tracks

no speeding
no stopping
no reversing
no crashing

screw paying debts
no orders needed
lets just drive thru

no rules 
no signs
no maps
no compass

just you and me 
just the road and the car

get behind the wheels
for a memorable journey

The Hole

leave me in the middle
to solve your issues
i’ll look both ways
and guard you from the hole

don’t look in too close 
you might fall 
I won’t put no warning sign
I don’t have much time at all 

but if you do make your choice
dont let the hole know
for the hole doesn’t want to know 
for its just a hole 

one thing to make clear
don’t you dare blame the hole
for leaning in too close 
and falling in 

for the hole didn’t say anything
it simply warned you 
and you took your chances 
to fall into the hole

writing it all out

so I’ve been having some problems with certain issues and instead of talking it out, I’ve decided to write it all out.  If you want to comment on it that’s fine, if not, well that’s cool too as long as I get it off my chest. 

– A Tribute to a Friend-
    The spill of chaos, glass pieces everywhere. Water running down, a shattered reflection of an unknown being. Liquid drops along the surface, flowing as if it knows where to head. Myriad of glass screaming out color and opinions. Taking a piece of this glass, it cuts open a fresh life. Again, it screams out opinionated expressions. Blood, goriness, happiness, worry, doubt, predictions, past, fresh start, future. Subsequently, liquid flows out. High viscosity, gooey, self inflicted pain or accidental? No answer needed, it’s simply a wound. A flow of opinion, an open door for a market places of ideas. Selling an image, selling self. Percieved as unique, seen as freak. Colors added to enhance a vision. Remembrance, a legacy. To make a point. A warning, a side-note, a mistake. What’s done is done. Ultimately, the door needs to be closed. The opinion that really matters is hers, and hers only. Now leave her be before her glassball shatters.

– Listen –
    pain
    ice
    stab
    ice-pick
    sharp
    urge
    explode
    anger
    signs
    signals
    symptoms
    cure
    help
    warm
    ease 

– Trust –
    Your fondle care,
    Your fondle laughter,
    Joking comments, serious kindness,
    Endless teasing, ultimate funness. 

    Can I trust you, if I let go? 
    Would you flip things over…
    Would I change views…
    Would situation change…
    … if I let go? 

    Your fondle care, 
    Your fondle laughter, 
    Joking comments, serious kindness, 
    Endless teasing, ultimate funness. 

    There’d be a change, 
    in all its meaning, 
    wouldn’t it…
    …if I let go. 

    Don’t get me wrong, 
    My fondle care, 
    My fondle laughter, 
    My joking comments, my serious kindness, 
    My endless teasing, and my ultimate funness, 
    may change as well. 

    but can I trust you, if I let go? 
    Can I trust myself, if you let go? 

    Who do I trust? 

    Nobody: Just let it go. 

Ok, well that’s done with and I guess I feel a little better now. 

  • Current Mood:  pensive
  • One anonymous comment left: 

(Anonymous) 
Jun. 11th, 2004 08:51 pm (local)lisa, i think it’s ok to care about the girl. it’s really showing your true kindness. maybe you had her as a best friend when you were young and you didn’t get along too well lately but you still care about her. that’s not something many people can do,like what kenji said. because you’re a caring person, because you know her and because you in a way want to help her, i think it’s worrying you. and that’s a a sunao na personality and i think it’s wonderful to have that. just use that feeling to show her that you care for her. drop her a line or two. just let her know that there are people that cares about her. don’t be frustrated, just be the friend that she needs. from what i hear from you, it sounds like she is yelling silently for help.

Poetry

過去・REVERSE

昔は日常的だった

毎日会って、遊びに行った

でもSUDDENLY 懐かしい思い出になってた

人は出会い、別れが来るはずなの?

ETERNALLY一緒にいられないの?

今は人ごみの中に

自分が消えていく

あたしが消える前に・・・

前に戻りたい

ドラえもんからタイムマシーン借りて

会いに行こう

新しいDISCOVERIES

見つけたよ、過去に知らなかったこと

これじゃどっちの時代が良いのか

分からない

前に戻りたい

ドラえもんからタイムマシーン借りて

戻ろうよ

暗闇の中

自分は消えそう・・・

何処に行ったら良いの

前へ前へ進もう

一歩、一歩、歩もう

自分亡くさないように

TIME SLIP


―DAMAGE-

小さい小言がどんどん大言になっていく

涙あふれ、気持ち抑え切れなくなり

体の中爆発する

誰も助けてくれない

“誰もたすけてくれなくて良い”

と、思い込み、気持ちどんどん

心のビンに詰めていった。

“なんで?”“どうして私だけ?”

いろいろな心配、孤独感が湧き上がる

今じゃ昔の口喧嘩はいい方だ。

昔の暴力を恐れ、

口で言い返そうとする

本人には見せない恐怖

皆には見せない迷い

自分には言い聞かせない思い

友達と共に戦おう

ビンのキャップを解いてくれた

大親友。 自分で開けられなかった

キャップ、やっと抜いてくれた

その時間の体の痛みは消えるだろう

でも、胸の痛みは一生消えないだろう

人生最大のDAMAGE

どうやったら消えるのだろう?

この詩、他の音楽と共に

流れ去っていくだろうか?

HOPEFULLY, この傷

流れ出したい


―BUTTONS-

小物のPASSして

感触TOUCH

小物の中に

情熱が浮いてる

その瞬間を

PAUSE

彼は初恋に似ている

まだまだ続く思い出

一瞬

PAUSE

彼が振り向き、止まった

時間がまたよみがえる

今、

PLAY.

人生こんなにコントロール

できるのか? 迷う

PAUSE&REWIND

出来ないことは

FAST FOWARD

人生

SEIZE THE MOMENT

だから、

早回しは出来ないけど、

戻すのは出来る。

人生はAUTOMATICじゃない・・・

―花火―

初恋に愛(会い

約八年後

目を合わせ

心に花火が散った

BANG,BANG,BANG

もう一度花火が胸の中で

動いていた

八年後、

花火は終わり、虫気の煙

霧のように

心を包んだ

また小さい火を

点けられるだろうか?

分かるものなのだろうか?

分からなくて良いじゃないかな?

頭のガラスの中

見続けることが出来るのなら

人生楽しみが無くなる。

人生花火の打ちっぱなし

で当たり前

綺麗な花火が続くように

又数年後この詩を思い出そう



―冒険―

真実見つけ出そう、

森、丘、海を越え、

SELF 探してくる。

QUIJOTEみたいに、冒険に出よう。

真実VS. IMAGINATION

何処に隠れているの?

真実探し出そう、

人に何と言われようと、

自分は自分の道を歩もう。

馬鹿馬鹿しくても良いじゃん、

何かを見つけられたら

それだけでいいじゃん。

それが人生の最高の

ADVENTURE

~New York Times~

Pause.  One shot photos,

Capture the moment,

Close in the memories,

  • Current Mood:  creative
  • Current Music:some kind of mix